Harry & David is the opposite of nourishment

Perfectly shining specimens should be hung on a Christmas tree, shellacked for good and turned into ornaments. Yes, the fruit is perfect, but it is empty, bereft of leaves and trunk. Sitting on my doorstep as a thank you from someone not close enough to send a sweater or feelings. It's a consolation prize. And it’s not cheap.

a traveling mind

When I travel, much of what I try to hold control of in my life dissipates. I welcome the relief and let decisions and circumstances flow off my back like water. Difficulties arise and frustration occurs, but I don’t worry about the most efficient use of my time. I am open to experience and what the byways bring my way. I embrace idiosyncrasy, cultural nuance and miscommunication as growth and discovery. Part of showing myself another way of living, another way of thinking.

Why can’t I do this when I’m at home? What is it about home that straps my feet to the floor and has me calculating and sometimes cold to my lover. When I’m lying in bed in the dark staring at glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, I may scold myself for not working through my to-do list or calling my brother or at least going to yoga.

If I could take that “traveling mind” and bottle it up, or put it into place permanently, would I breathe easier and live better? Or would I be choosing to roam the earth letting life happen to me? I pride myself on making things happen, achieving steep goals that I set my mind to. I am afraid to give this up for fear of floating endlessly.

Travel is my therapy, my escape from self-constraint. As I proselytize about the benefits of cross-cultural immersion, I realize that my traveling has been more about me than anything. I’m traveling to escape my control.

Change and I

Change is a daily occurrence in my life today, but I still seek it further. Change I have always sought out, for my health or against. We have a co-dependent relationship this dashing, glamorous change and I. Sometimes he sweeps me so far down the road, I can hardly recognize the pattern of my own footsteps.

What I’m trying to say, artfully, is change just for the sake of change is not always what I/we need. Change can be a façade as well. One that I build for myself as in “the grass is always greener”…As I write, I remember that omnipotent, patient master I’ll meet one day. Balance is what I need, change is what I’m seeking.

My mother was sick, still I changed
My brother was alone, still I changed
My lover left his son, still I changed
My mother died, still I changed
Now I can’t find her because I’ve been so busy with all this change.

Change is a gift, change is a distraction.

What do I want now? What more can I want? I want the change, the big one.

You know what I’m talking about. The one where you live in balance and no longer seek change. You seek nothing. Not because you have no passion, but because your passion so deeply sustains you that it is your family, friend, lover; earth, air, fire, water all within.

Nirvana, right?

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